Perhaps, when you look at the past, you feel nostalgic for your childhood, for the incredible happiness you felt during those years and the good times you experienced. But it may also be that your childhood was not exactly a bed of roses, and you do not like to remember it, since they are childhood wounds.
Regardless, these experiences determine how you will raise your children. Your childhood is revealed in your personality and in the style of education that you assume as a parent. All of these experiences, both positive and negative, have shaped you into the person you are and determine, to a greater or lesser extent, how you will raise your children.
Why we educate as we educate
These are the most widespread misconceptions that parents apply in the education of their children
1. ” My children will have everything I never had”
This idea is quite common among people who had financial problems during their childhood, could not have the same toys as their classmates or dress in the same way, and felt unappreciated or inferior because of this. Therefore, growing up, they tend to swear to themselves that their children will never go through the same experience but that they will have everything they never had.
Surely there is nothing wrong with buying toys, clothes and whatever for your children. However, these parents often make the mistake of thinking that all these objects are enough to make their children happy. However, that’s not true. Too many toys anesthetize children. More important than material goods is that children spend quality time with their parents and, above all, that they learn that they are unique and that they do not need to have the same material things as others to be happy. This is the only way to educate a self-confident child, who knows what he wants and who is not willing to follow others without thinking.
2. ” I will never do this to my children . “
There are people still haunted by childhood trauma. Perhaps it was the day when parents embarrassed them in front of their classmates, or when they didn’t buy them that dream toy, or when they chose to change the city and school without consulting them. That event left such a big and deep scar on the person, enough to make sure that he would never do such a thing to his children.
The problem is that these parents plan their educational strategy based solely on what they should not do, using, as a model, a childhood trauma that they never get over. Normally this educational style ends up leaving too much freedom to the child, because, for fear of hurting him, parents do not establish rules and become friends with their child. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with the fact that parents establish a relationship with their children based on friendship and trust, but they should not forget that rules and regulations are essential to make sense of the children’s world. When a child grows up without rules, he will never know what is expected of him and the chances that he will develop difficult behaviors increase.
3. ” If it was enough for me, it will also be enough for my children. “
Many parents tend to think that they should replicate the conditions in which they grew up. Usually these are people who think that the character of children is forged through experimentation, and the harder the better. These parents impose an authoritarian education, marked by limitations and strict rules, transforming the house into military barracks.
Of course, the rules are important to ensure coexistence in the family, but it is also necessary for children to be free and develop their independence and autonomy. In addition, we must not forget that each person is different and, therefore, the educational guidelines that work with some may be ineffective with others. At the same time, it is important to remember that social conditions have changed, meaning that what was normal just a few decades ago can now be anachronistic and even harmful to children.
4. ” My children will do everything I can’t “
This idea is common among those who were not supported by their parents who forced them to do something they did not want. As a result, they believe they have missed the “opportunity of a lifetime” and not turn the page, but they continue to build up frustration and resentment. Therefore, they try to get a second chance through their children and encourage them from an early age to do things that please them, enrolling children in extracurricular activities that interest only the parents, not their children.
The child may definitely have some potential and talent in a specific area, but may not be interested and have a passion for something else. Insisting in this direction means making the same mistake as the parents, but without realizing it. Each child is unique, and the role of the parents is to guide them to discover their strengths and passions, but it must be they who decide in which direction to go. Deciding instead means taking away an opportunity.
5. ” I will never let anything bad happen to my children. “
Parents who had bad experiences during childhood tend to develop an overprotective parenting style . It is understandable, they believe that the world is a hostile place and they need to protect their children. They don’t want their children to have the same experiences, and they tend to remove all obstacles in their path , to ensure that they have an idyllic childhood.
Obviously, we must not traumatize children or expose them to unnecessary risks, but we must not forget that resilience develops only in the face of difficult situations. This means that when there is a problem, instead of hiding it and solving it, parents should encourage the child to find solutions and make decisions. This is the best gift you can give them, because in this way you give them the psychological tools they need to face the challenges of life, which will probably be many and from which you will not always be able to protect them.
learn to turn the page
Many of these attitudes, which are reflected in the educational style of the parents, hide a wound that has not healed. These parents are not able to make peace with their childhood, with the experiences, decisions and behaviors of their parents. Consequently, they still carry the influence, often without realizing it, and think they are helping their children.
To eliminate these limiting ideas, the first step is to become aware of their existence and understand how to express yourself through your daily relationship with your children. Then you must let the wounds heal, let go of the resentment. You will see that, little by little, you will assume the upbringing of your children from a different perspective.